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September 11

It's been eighteen years and the world has changed, in some aspects completely. We have it seems, been actively entangled in the aftermath of that day as a country and even a world ever since. And we will remain in its grip for the foreseeable future; likely for the rest of my life.
I wonder if those whose loved ones - whose reasons for living, it must have seemed to some - were incinerated in an instant, whose bodies were obliterated immediately after falling more than ninety floors, or who were found mangled in, under, and around the rubble, or in a field - I wonder if they watch the news today? Do they view their newsfeeds?
Are the memories still too hard, too raw, too immediate? Does today bring soul-piercing memories not just to their minds, but to their bodies? Do the incredulity, the shock, the panic, the numbness flood back today? Does the confusion return, do their hearts weigh a million pounds, do their guts turn i
nside out like they did on that day?
I wonder.
Do they stay indoors? Do they hold each other's hands, do they hold each other? Do they stay in bed? Do they cry - do they sob? Do they gaze at photographs and smile? Do they get drunk? Do they pray?
I wonder.
How does it feel to have an entire country recall your tragedy? To have your agonizing loss be the news of the day? Do they want to say, "yes, thank you, but I'd rather be by myself today?"
I wonder.
On this memorial day, there aren't happy kids in parks, backyard barbecues, parades, flags, or marching bands. No, today there will be black crepe, lists of names, and terrible images of reminders - as their neighbors go to work, just like any other day. Do they feel alone?
I wonder.
Has the anger dissipated, has it mellowed into resolve, resolve to love deeper, to hold tighter, to live more fully than before? Or has it deteriorated into bitterness, into distancing, into resignation?
I wonder.
Have the clouds even parted yet, has the fog lifted, can they see further than the next hour? Have these years flown by or have they taken forever - have they somehow done both?
I wonder.
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