Numb

I am numb.
I am in shock.
Everything in this place has stopped.
There is no movement.
No life.

There is no color.
No black, no white. All gray.
Not like Arrangement.
Poorer. Much less distinction.
Gray. Shades of gray.

Around this gray the world spins.
Scenes fly by.
Memories tease my mind.
Much too quickly for me to see.
But I do see.

From time to time.
Some familiar detail.
As though those scenes have color.
Some face. Some smile.
But I cannot quite make it out.

I sit here on these ashes.
They are all that is left.
I get as close to them as I can.
She is here.
Isn't she?

I reach to touch her.
And come back with silt.
That leaks through my fingers.
And blows away.
She is not here.

It is no use.
She has gone.
This is all I have left.
These ashes.
This gray place.

My chest aches.
My eyes sting.
I cannot sit upright.
I cannot breathe.
God! Come to me!

It is cold.
Not an outside cold.
Arising from within my bones.
A cold that cannot be shaken.
A chill I cannot escape.

My bones are bare.
They fall apart.
Like a marionette without strings.
I am nothing. I am alone.
And no one knows.

I am numb.

Imagined grief upon the loss of a spouse, Albuquerque, NM